Hi, my Saltines. It’s Courtney.
This time of year, a lot of us head home for the holidays. And a lot of us drive away afterwards with a knot in our stomach, because something wasn’t quite right. Mom’s mail was piled up. Dad didn’t seem to know which pills he’d already taken. The fridge was full of food that should have been thrown out weeks ago.
If that’s you, you’re not overreacting. Small changes like these are often the first signs that your parent needs a little more help at home. The good news: when you notice early, you have time to plan, and your parent stays in charge of their own life.
The quick answer
Common signs an aging parent needs more help include:
- Unopened mail, unpaid bills or calls from collectors
- Missed doses, double doses or expired medications
- Spoiled food, an empty fridge or noticeable weight loss
- A house that’s much messier than it used to be
- New dents on the car or getting lost on familiar roads
- Falls, near-falls, bruises or holding on to furniture to get around
- Wearing the same clothes for days, or skipping baths
- Missing appointments, events or calls they never used to miss
- Pulling away from friends, church or hobbies they loved
One sign on its own doesn’t mean something’s wrong. Everybody forgets a bill now and then. What matters is change: things that are new, getting worse, or showing up together.
Look around the house, not just at your parent
Our parents are good at putting on a brave face for a visit. The house tells you more.
The mail and the bills. Look at the kitchen table or wherever the mail lands. Past-due notices, piles of unopened envelopes and lots of “prize” letters can mean bills are slipping, or that scammers have found them. (Read protecting your home from people who take advantage and having another set of eyes when workers come in.)
The kitchen. Open the fridge. Expired milk, moldy leftovers or almost nothing at all can mean they’re not shopping or cooking like they used to. Notice whether their clothes look looser.
The medicine. Look at the bottles. Are refills overdue? Are there several bottles of the same thing? Does the pill organizer, if there is one, match the day of the week?
The house itself. Burned-out bulbs, a cold house, a broken step, rugs that slide. These can be signs that chores have become too hard, and they’re also fall risks. My winter is coming checklist and smoke detector reminder are good places to start.
The car. Walk around it. New scrapes, dents or a neighbor mentioning “a close call” are worth paying attention to.
Then watch, gently
How are they moving? Holding on to walls or furniture, shuffling, or avoiding the stairs.
How are they looking after themselves? Hair, clothes, hygiene. A parent who always dressed sharp and now doesn’t can be a sign of tiredness, low mood or difficulty with buttons and baths.
How is their memory and mood? Repeating the same story is normal. Getting lost somewhere familiar, forgetting how to do something they’ve done for years, or seeming down and withdrawn is worth mentioning to their doctor.
Who are they seeing? Loneliness creeps in quietly. If they’ve stopped going to church, the senior center or their card night, ask why.
When it can’t wait: sudden confusion, slurred speech, a drooping face, weakness on one side, or a fall with an injury can be a medical emergency. Call 911.
What to do next
1. Write down what you noticed
Before you say anything, make a short list with dates. “Three past-due notices on the table. Two bottles of the same blood pressure pill. Bruise on her arm.” It keeps the conversation about facts, not feelings, and it’s exactly what a doctor will want to know.
2. Have the conversation, kindly
Pick a calm, private moment. Not at the holiday table in front of everybody.
Start with what you saw and how you feel: “Mom, I noticed some bills on the table and I got worried. What would make that easier?” Then listen. Your parent may already know something is off and be scared to say it.
Talk about one thing at a time. Fixing the bills this month is a win. Trying to fix everything in one afternoon usually ends with somebody slamming a door.
3. Loop in the doctor
Ask your parent if you can come to their next appointment, or call the office and share what you’ve noticed. The doctor can check for things that cause confusion or falls, like medication side effects, and can tell you what kind of help makes sense.
4. Start with small help
Most families don’t need to move Mom anywhere. They need a few supports:
- Set up the bills on automatic payment, or have one trusted person help each month.
- Simplify the medicines: one pharmacy, a weekly organizer, and a current list of every medication and dose.
- Make the house safer: better lighting, grab bars, and rugs that don’t slide.
- Make it easy for help to get in: a combination key lockbox.
- Write down who to call: doctors, the pharmacy, neighbors and the plumber. Here’s how to make a who-to-call list.
- Get the papers in one place: IDs, insurance, powers of attorney and wishes. Here’s how to organize important documents.
5. Find out what help is available locally
Call the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 or visit eldercare.acl.gov. They’ll connect you with your local Area Agency on Aging, which can tell you about meals, rides, in-home help and support for you as the caregiver. You can also use our Find Help Near Me tool for doctors, Medicare counseling and local services.
6. Think ahead, together
If needs keep growing, talk about the options before a crisis forces a decision: more help at home, moving closer to family, or a community with more support. Here’s my plain-English guide to the types of senior living.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
I’ve spent more than 30 years around senior care, and I can tell you: the families who do best aren’t the ones with all the answers. They’re the ones who notice early and ask for help.
If you live far away, a senior care virtual assistant can keep track of appointments, bills and reminders and keep the whole family updated. If you just need to talk it through, that’s exactly what my senior care consulting is for. Your first call is free.
Take care of yourselves, Saltines. And take care of each other.
This article is general information, not medical or legal advice. If you’re worried about your parent’s health or safety, talk with their doctor.